Sunday, March 18, 2007
Weddings and Funerals
This was orginally posted in January of 2005.
Weddings and Funerals
"Hey, it's Uncle Fred! I haven't seen you since Doug and Sarah got married - what was that, 3 years ago now?"
"Four, almost. What have you been up to?"
Sound like a familiar conversation?
When I was younger, it often seemed that the only time I saw far-flung uncles and cousins was for weddings and funerals. Now that I'm getting older and have a family of my own, it's starting to seem that I only see far-flung brothers and nephews at weddings and funerals. So it comes as no real surprise that weddings and funerals, aside from their main purpose, also serve as touch-points for friends and relatives.
But really, how separate is that from the main purpose? Are we honestly that interested in what Uncle Fred's been doing for three years? If we were, it wouldn't have been three years since we talked to him. So are we talking to Uncle Fred because it's expected and "oh no, here comes Aunt Ginny with her stories about the damn cat again", or something like that? No, becuase it always seems that, no matter how small the gathering, it's always possible to avoid the Aunt Ginnys and catch up with the Uncle Freds. And also, it's easier to tolerate Aunt Ginny than it is when she phones on a random Tuesday.
I think that it's because we recognize that weddings and funerals are turning points. Unconsciously at least, we acknowledge that this is a momentous event and that things will not be the same. So we touch and reaffirm that all is well with our social world. We seek to confirm that, despite this change, things will go on as they were. It's a very important tribal function - both for us and even moreso for the immediately affected.
The married couple needs the confirmation that the tribe is around them, and the bereaved need the awareness that the tribe survives despite the loss of a member. From pop psychology all the way up to the serious stuff it is widely acknowledged that facing something alone makes it substantially more stressful.
So catch up with your Uncle Fred and listen patiently to Aunt Ginny. It's an important social function, and when you make vague plans to keep in touch remember that the important part isn't really the keeping in touch, it's your presence in the tribe that counts. If you ran through the room dressed in furs and beat your chest it would still serve. People will just shake their heads and say "Oh, that would be your cousin James. He's a little weird, but you know what they say: you can't pick your family."
James
Labels: I think too much, reruns
posted by James at 2:59 PM
1 Comments:
Now I know what I want to wear to my wedding. Thanks.
\/''''\/ Gorra, Terror of the North
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