Monday, March 24, 2008
The Sad State of Men's Swimwear
So, instead, I will mark the occaision with an epistle.
A letter from James, to the blogreaders, on the sad state of men's swimwear. May this find you in good health.
When last I chanced to need swimwear on little notice, I was puzzled and a touch dismayed by how poor the selection was. A tiny rack, with perhaps a dozen or so sets of trunks, in various sizes, off in the middle of nowhere. Not only could I not find it, it took the salespeople I asked quite some time to track it down for me. "Out of season", I was told. Reasonable, I thought. It was, after all, middling to late august, and stores were no longer paying attention to summer things, but the seasons coming up, Hallowe'en, Thanksgiving, and Christmas. I bought the one least offensive to my sensibilities, a single colour red set of trunks. Boring, and not what I would prefer, but what do you expect from the dregs of summer gone?
Today, I thought, today will be different. Spring is in the air, so stores must be selling all their summer stuff - what with spring things having been sold back in February. And, lo, it was different. This time there were two racks with possibly as many as two dozen sets of trunks. And it only took me fifteen minutes to find it, without needing to call on the ever-absent and inattentive sales staff. (This, I note, in marked contrast to the women's swimwear section, which was approximately the size of a football field, with lovingly photoshopped models displaying what I presume to be swimwear, though I'm not sure what is to distinguish it from underwear. Perhaps the beach in the background? To be fair, the football field of women's swimwear and the two racks of men's swimwear contained roughly equal amounts of total cloth, so perhaps that is their idea of equality? Enough, I will not be digressed - further - with thoughts of gender bias.)
These two racks of swimwear came in a singular type: knee length trunks with pockets. They did, to their credit come in a variety of styles, as many as five or six different colour patterns were available, that I might find something akin to pleasing. Or at least, not too offensive. For, you see, the styles fell into two broad catagories. The first evokes images of California beaches, surfboards, and blond, tanned boys saying "duuuude" and smoking pot. Not, I'll grant, an entirely bad image, but the intensity of the image was striking. An apt comparison might be using a leather hairband, tie-died shirt, bell-bottom jeans and sandles to evoke hippie. It certainly accomplishes the task, but with nothing that resembles subtlety or style. Rather, it bludgeons the senses with the impression until you wander away, dazed, trying to remember where you are, and why the sound of surf is so strong in your ears.
The second style was rather the opposite. They were so inoffensive, so muted and drab as to go beyond the pale and offend with their sheer lack of interest. Anyone, woman, or man, no matter their actual age or appearance, upon donning these shorts, would have no difficulty getting a seniors discount anywhere such things are granted. These are not the swim trunks your father buys. These are not the swim trunks your grandfather buys. These are the swim trunks your grandmother buys for your grandfather because his old pair, acquired shortly before Edison patented the lightbulb, are "getting a touch ratty".
Eventually, I settled for the least offensive of the srfr duuude stylings, a sort of khaki affair with camo on the inside of the waistband (The inside? Why, pray tell?). But I was not content with them, and couldn't help but wonder why there was so little choice and variety, and further, if I was particularly unlucky, or if it was always like that? I don't miss The Baywatch Years, but just because not everyone should wear Speedos doesn't mean they should be banished from the racks. And what's wrong with some variety in length? Knee length isn't everyone's preference in a swim trunk. And pockets. Why, pardon my brief foray into foul language, the hell do swimtrunks have pockets? one pocket that seals shut for a locker key, or a credit card I'll grant is a good idea. But big front pockets like casual pants? There's really only one good reason for hands to be in your swimwear, and you don't need pockets for that.
How about styles? Surely there is some middle ground between California surfer and retirement trunks? What about something tight and black, for the goth crowd? Or, on consideration, something lacy and black, for the goth crowd? Where are the swim trunks for punks, the one that say "Screw you!" to the establishment? Designer trunks, exactly like the other ones, except with an expensive logo stitched in a corner for the too-much-money crowd?
Is this too much to ask, my friends?
Labels: I need a tag for this sort of thing, I think too much
posted by James at 10:52 PM
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